Male-Female Relationships

[Mengli]

These are short parts from book called "Men,Women and Relationships" by John Gray. Some of you maybe already read it,for some it will be a new experience.I just hope for some of you it will be a helpful key in understanding your own relationship,your own partner.Without further explanations,here it is:

Building a Relationship

There are four keys to creating mutually supportive and rewarding relationships:

1.Purposeful communication-Communicating with the intent to understand and be understood.
2.Right understanding-Understanding appreciating,and respecting our differences.
3.Giving up judgments-Releasing negative judgments of ourselves and others.
4.Accepting responsibility-Taking equal responsibility for what you get from the relationship and practicing forgiveness.

These four keys can unlock the potential within you to create loving relationships and fufill your hopes and dreams.They will help you realize why your relationships have had problems in the past,and provide a foundation to build stable and life-enriching relationships in the future.

Purposeful communication.

What is this purpose and how can knowing it affect our communication? To answer this question,I will share with you how I experienced it one day.My wife and I were waiting in a restaurant during a lunch break at one of my relationship seminars.I told the waiter we were in a hurry.He quickly seated us,brought us the menu,and we ordered.So far my communication seemed to be working well.
While we were ordering,another group was seated at the table next to us.As my wife and I waited for our food,we watched the new group leisurely order their meal,and within ten minutes ,receive it.Even though we had ordered first,our food was nowhere in sight. My temperature started to rise.After another five minutes passed and we still hadn't gotten our food,I began to boil. I hunted down our waiter and with calculated restraint said,"I want to remind you that we are in a hurry.The people next to us ordered after we did and they've received their food".And then I blurted "Where's our food?" The waiter said "Your food is coming,sir"
His answer didn't help,so i repeated myself. "the people next to us have already gotten their meal-where's my food?" The waiter replied again,"Your food is coming,sir" I went back to the table wanting to start a war.As we continued to wait for our lunch,we watched the people at the next table finish their food and pay their check.At this point,it was too much to bear.On the way to find the manager,I saw our waiter and approached him again,"Where's my food?" In panic he repeated "Your food is coming,sir".The fortunatly ,I asked "why is my food taking so long?Why were those people served before me?" I was finally addressing the real cause of my upset.This time,the waiter explained"sir,those people ordered from our sandwich menu,which goes to a different kitchen.You ordered from our entree menu,which goes to the main kitchen.Although you can't see it from here,we're swamped by a graduation party in the next room.The cook has promised me your order is coming.I'm truly sorry it's taking so long." In a flash my tension and distress were gone.They were gone because I could understand the situation.
When we feel upset or threatened,communication often becomes twisted and manipulative.When we communicate to intimidate,threaten,disapprove,hurt,fault-find,or make someone feel guilty,we are misusing communication.We may succeed in controlling,but inevitably we will create resentment.True and effective communication has the intent to share our understanding and more thoroughly share another's understanding.

P.S. I wanted to make long story short,but I couldn't,if I'd take out whole story,you'd miss the point.But I promise other parts will be shorter :)

[Mengli]

Right Understanding

Ultimately,it's not just communication that makes relationships work.Communication is but a vehicle through which we can understand each other.Right understanding enriches our relationships,while misunderstandings ruin them.Purposeful communication allows us to increase right understanding. How many times have you argued with someone you loved,and then found out later it was just a misunderstanding?One of the common problems in relationships is that after we get to know someone,we have strong tendency to believe that the meaning we give to their words and gestures is accurate.We think we know what they mean,yet we frequently misunderstand their intended meaning.We jump to the wrong conclusions.
Most of the emotional tension in relationships arises from misunderstandings.Good communication lessens the chances of misunderstanding and ensures more positive relationships.Learning some basic communication skills will help,but what really makes communication work is the intent to understand.
There are many levels of understanding necessary for communication to succeed in a relationship.They are:
*A deeper understanding of ourselves and others.
*An understanding of how men and women react differently to stress.
*A deeper understanding of the true feeling that underlie what we say and do.
*An understanding of the true feeling behind the actions and reactions of others.
*A greater understanding that appearances do not always reflect realty.(for example,when your partner shrugs her shoulders,it may mean something different from when you shrug yours)
*An understanding that what may be easy for you to ask,may be difficult for others to ask.
*An understanding that what may be easy for you to hear,may be painful for others to hear.
*An understanding that what you think should be helpful to others may not be-even if it is helpful to you.
*An understanding that people speak different languages,which may only sound the same as ours.

Right understanding starts with realizing that we are all individuals and unique and that it is very easy to misunderstand each other.By understanding and respecting our differences we can truly build bridges that will unite us.

[Mengli]

Differences are magic

Just like magnets,differences in people attract.As we grow in uderstanding,we can begin to appreciate these differences. The true differences between men and women are actually complementary,giving each the opportunity to find balance.If I am overly aggresive,I may be attracted to someone who is more relaxed and receptive.Through relating with this more relaxed person,I'm able to connect with the more relaxed qualities in my unconscious. These more relaxed and receptive qualities balance out,support,or commpliment my more developed aggresive qualities.These complimentary differences are what draw us to each other and create the mysterious feeling we call love.

Giving up Judgments

Releasing negative judgments,the third key to creating a supportive relationship,is the inevitable outcome of right understanding.As we become able to understand our differences and successfuly communicate our feelings,thoughts and desires,we can then begin to let go of our negative judgments.
Our negative apprisals of ourselves and the results of our actions inhibit us from fully expressing our talnets.Ultimately,deprecatory judgments keep us from fully enjoying all we have and our lives in general.Judgment and critism are symptoms of low self-esteem.
When we feel that we are not enough,we begin to feel that what we have or what belongs to us is not enough;i.e. we do not have enough time,money ,love,etc.We begin to feel that friends or family are not enough.Negative judgments ruin our relationships.
Judgment will continue until we understand,appricate and honor the differences between people.When we are able to love,accept,appreciate,and respect others,quite automatically we begin to accept and appreciate ourselves.This is true secret of releasing judgment.Through loving othes we are able to love ourselves,and through loving ourselves we can love others.Our self-esteem and self-worth grow daily when we are creating loving relationships.

[Mengli]

Accepting Responsibility

The fourth key to making relationships work is taking eqaul responsibility for what happens in the relationship and practicing forgiveness.Being responsible is the opposite of feeling as though you are a victim.Practicing forgiveness is next to imposible when you cannot see how you are equally responsible.
Have you ever felt "I gave and I gave and I got nothing back?" or "I was having a great day until you ruined it?" This is our victim side,a signal that we are not taking equal responsibility.
Victims think they are not responsible for what happens to them or for how they feel.Victims feel powerless to create change.Victims ignore their responsibility for provoking abuse in their relationships.The victim attitude not only ruins our relationships but alse our lives.
Victims do not admit that had they handled things differently,they would have gotten better results.
Victims are not willing to acknowledge how they contributed to their problem.Victims are not willing to see how they are misinterpriting a situation and making it worse.Moreover,they refuse to benefit in some positive way from a negative experience.They hold their past as an excuse for not being true to themselves.
A sign of a victim attitude is the feeling of resentment and blame;there is denial of responsibility.
When we are resenting,in some way we are not willing to trust or accept the person we are resenting.We cannot trust,because we do not understand how we have provoked their behavior.We do not accept,because we mistakenly espect them to know what we need.Mind reading is sometimes easy from one woman to another,but it is almost impossible for a man to read woman's mind,or vice versa.

to be continued...

in a word,its focal spot is sex.

[bittasi]

wow, it this a dissertation? :rolleyes:

just keep it simple...life has a way of teaching itself :)

Cheers

wow, it this a dissertation? :rolleyes:

just keep it simple...life has a way of teaching itself :)

Cheers
I agree with you.simply speaking,sex,sex,sex is the key after all.

[Mengli]

You know people I don't think sex is the key here,and i don't think it is the most important in solving problems.It might help but just for a limited time.And if there is no sex in the relationship?If couple didn't marry yet,and still some arguements arise,then communication is the main key.
And by the way I made my point by posting this and I hope to some people it was helpful to understand themselves.So there will be no continuation to this "dissertation".

P.S.bittasi, I think you are right,life has the way in teaching,but mostly those are painful experiences,so why not learn everything you can before life teaches you her lesson.

[bittasi]

I didn't imply that "sex" is the leading factor in relationships, although it is a major one but certainly not the leading factor.

Actually, what i mean was that readings doesn't always help you understand or implement things in your life rather we humans tend to learn better through mistakes that we do in our lives. But ideally speaking , you are absolutely right....If people could follow what they read (i.e. what they know already) and implement what they know, we would have seen a hyper improvement. Alas, it's easier said than done.

Knowing something (by reading or listenning) isn't the same thing as experiencing (feeling) it. It's simple as that...

Of course, there are some 'exceptionally rare' people amongst us who can implement and practice what they read in their lives and learn from mistakes of others. Unfortunately those kind of people make up only very small percentage.

At least you are trying to help other by sharing what you know, I give you credit for that. Keep up the good work

.....life goes on

[Tank]

c'mon guys who needs these relations, we all need SEX, that's all we need!
If couple didn't marry yet,and still some arguements arise,then communication is the main key. well, the main key is a sex and you know why because after sex (by sex I mean make love) you know for sure where and what your problem is. :)

[Siege]

Turkmenka, What is it? Some kind of Ruhnome in English or smth.

Just kidding, Turkmenka! :D

Happy holidays! :)

Guys, i advise you to stop making fun of the topic. here she is sharing with her found intellectual phsycologycal materials about man-woman relathionship hust with the intention that it may help someone to understand the communication between the sexes. if you have anything to add seriously please do so without trying to sound funny.

personally for the beginners in this area i would suggest to read 'Men from Mars, Women from Venus' by the same author. It is very interesting and easy read.