Hadji
04-25-2003, 10:17 PM
English version of the same article below....
RISK HUNTER or HUNTED?
Sometimes I feel may be it is time for me to go home. Unfortunately, the best and the most productive years of my life is being wasted for nothing in here. My God, where is it all going to? Allah, show the way out to this sinner, who has fallen into trap, set by devil, by indulging himself in treacherous amusements of this miserable world. The most painful thing is that I did it deliberately. Knowingly I put my head into the hanger’s rope, willingly I set foot on the streets of rebellion. With my own will I took the glass of treachery from the hands of this unfaithful world and sipped the wine of Rebellion. Perhaps, I was born as a rebel. The things that are forbidden have always attracted my attention. Why not? What happens if I do it? These were the questions which I could never get out off my head. To his vain, so many times Gordon did warn me. “It seems to me that you do not know the consequence of what you are doing” he used to say. He warned me a lot, indeed. To tell the truth, I knew it, but did not understand. What is it like? I wanted to taste that consequence, that negative consequence. So far I have been flying like a hurricane heading right to the top, never lost, never failed, always victorious, always a winner. Victory and success is mine, defeat and failure is someone else’s lot. Suddenly a question came to my mind. What is it like to be defeated? The answer, of course, could not be found. As I said before, I have never been defeated in my life. So, what now? Sure, this time I will leave the battlefield dressed up in the robe of Defeat. That is it, I made up my mind. I will do exactly as I have just decided to do. By doing so, I no longer will be a weak man caught in the middle of an eternal battle between Victory and Defeat, trying to escape from Defeat and always knocking at the door of Victory begging for shelter and mercy. But I will be among the few and the strong, who have subjected the Fortune to their wills. The ones, who have put both Victory and Defeat at their disposal. The ones, in control of Fortune, not the vice-versa. What a brilliant idea?! Only the Genius could find a courage in themselves to make a decision like this. You felt assured that this decision of yours would put you in the same line with them. Just the very thought of this decision has put me into the state of excitement and rapture. In my brain I have orchestrated a coup d’etat, Reason was no longer on the throne of leadership, it was replaced by my Emotions. At that time I was the happiest man on Earth. Those were the times when I felt proud of myself for being brave enough to make a decision like this. During that period I was so excited and blinded that I could not think about my parents, family and others who were expecting things from me. How could I spare a moment to such “irrelevant and insignificant” things like these, if I was totally absorbed by this great idea of mine? One another reason for being so excited was the amount of the things I put on the betting table. I was a mad gambler who had betted all he had, in this big Casino called Life. By doing so, I thought, I was not being caught by Risk, on the contrary, I was inviting him. I was challenging him, saying “not you but I control my own destiny”. If I win, the world is mine. In case I lose, not only the last 15 years spent at schools and universities but the next 50 years of my life will be gone. In short, I had betted my Life. What else could be more exciting and riskier than this?! The Game has begun, there is no going back.. Unfortunately, it did not end, like it does in fairy tales. I was not a knight in his shiny armour… Regrettably, I lost all of it at once. I did not last even the first wave of attack. I surrendered without any resistance. You should have seen me at that moment. I knew it but did not understand. But at that moment, the very first moment after raising the white flag, the symbol of surrender and defeat, I understood it all. I wish I did not understand it, still do not want to understand it. But it is too late now. Because I understand it all.
Palmers Green,
London
06.04.2003
RISK HUNTER or HUNTED?
Sometimes I feel may be it is time for me to go home. Unfortunately, the best and the most productive years of my life is being wasted for nothing in here. My God, where is it all going to? Allah, show the way out to this sinner, who has fallen into trap, set by devil, by indulging himself in treacherous amusements of this miserable world. The most painful thing is that I did it deliberately. Knowingly I put my head into the hanger’s rope, willingly I set foot on the streets of rebellion. With my own will I took the glass of treachery from the hands of this unfaithful world and sipped the wine of Rebellion. Perhaps, I was born as a rebel. The things that are forbidden have always attracted my attention. Why not? What happens if I do it? These were the questions which I could never get out off my head. To his vain, so many times Gordon did warn me. “It seems to me that you do not know the consequence of what you are doing” he used to say. He warned me a lot, indeed. To tell the truth, I knew it, but did not understand. What is it like? I wanted to taste that consequence, that negative consequence. So far I have been flying like a hurricane heading right to the top, never lost, never failed, always victorious, always a winner. Victory and success is mine, defeat and failure is someone else’s lot. Suddenly a question came to my mind. What is it like to be defeated? The answer, of course, could not be found. As I said before, I have never been defeated in my life. So, what now? Sure, this time I will leave the battlefield dressed up in the robe of Defeat. That is it, I made up my mind. I will do exactly as I have just decided to do. By doing so, I no longer will be a weak man caught in the middle of an eternal battle between Victory and Defeat, trying to escape from Defeat and always knocking at the door of Victory begging for shelter and mercy. But I will be among the few and the strong, who have subjected the Fortune to their wills. The ones, who have put both Victory and Defeat at their disposal. The ones, in control of Fortune, not the vice-versa. What a brilliant idea?! Only the Genius could find a courage in themselves to make a decision like this. You felt assured that this decision of yours would put you in the same line with them. Just the very thought of this decision has put me into the state of excitement and rapture. In my brain I have orchestrated a coup d’etat, Reason was no longer on the throne of leadership, it was replaced by my Emotions. At that time I was the happiest man on Earth. Those were the times when I felt proud of myself for being brave enough to make a decision like this. During that period I was so excited and blinded that I could not think about my parents, family and others who were expecting things from me. How could I spare a moment to such “irrelevant and insignificant” things like these, if I was totally absorbed by this great idea of mine? One another reason for being so excited was the amount of the things I put on the betting table. I was a mad gambler who had betted all he had, in this big Casino called Life. By doing so, I thought, I was not being caught by Risk, on the contrary, I was inviting him. I was challenging him, saying “not you but I control my own destiny”. If I win, the world is mine. In case I lose, not only the last 15 years spent at schools and universities but the next 50 years of my life will be gone. In short, I had betted my Life. What else could be more exciting and riskier than this?! The Game has begun, there is no going back.. Unfortunately, it did not end, like it does in fairy tales. I was not a knight in his shiny armour… Regrettably, I lost all of it at once. I did not last even the first wave of attack. I surrendered without any resistance. You should have seen me at that moment. I knew it but did not understand. But at that moment, the very first moment after raising the white flag, the symbol of surrender and defeat, I understood it all. I wish I did not understand it, still do not want to understand it. But it is too late now. Because I understand it all.
Palmers Green,
London
06.04.2003