This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

[Alouddin]

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a right rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[Lady_G]

Lesson 1: how to swan gently, if you religious person :D

[Alouddin]

nah, c'mon! =)

[Alouddin]

Women jump to the wrong conclusions

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

p/s am only putting some stuff i received in my email, ok?!:) (this especially concerns G! :P)

[Alouddin]

Vasectomy - especially for the Irish and Kiwi Folks

Cheap but effective!

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand...

[Alouddin]

The Honest Priest

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair
remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at
customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself
to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",
he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash
down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined
for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father." "Next!"

***

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the
courage to change the things I can,and the wisdom to the know the
difference.

[Alouddin]

THE DONKEY

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW --------
Enough of that crap... The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun. I know what I did!! Because it's so funny and thoughtful.

[Alouddin]

MessageI am not inferring anything on this issue - it is just a case that I thought "all would be interested".

Subject: Dementia Test (Joke)


TEST FOR DEMENTIA

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?































Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?








































Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You're not having a good time at this! Are you?

Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Third Question:
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. now add 10. What is the total?








































Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?









































Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with this one!!!!!

Bonus Question:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


































Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask. He's blind, not mute - so simple.



KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE

[dili@]

How did you do it???????
How did you write " Rindercella and her sugly isters" and "The pransome hince"
did you copy from somebody or u just came up with this??
~Dili@4life~

[Alouddin]

p/s am only putting some stuff i received in my email, ok?!:) (this especially concerns G! :P) ;) did u think u liked it?

[Alouddin]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable".

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. ("com-for-da-bul")

[Alouddin]

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE EVER

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman "Will you marry me?"
She said, "NO!"
And the man lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and whenever he wanted to.


THE END

[Alouddin]

Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.


The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"


"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.


The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr.Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.


"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"

[Lady_G]

;) did u think u liked it?
yanaya :lool:
qoyil, gapni sindirasizde :D

[Sayyoh]

Observer - mana! :)

[Alouddin]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her "Just so that you know - I never want to live in a vegetative state, being dependent on some machines and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[Alouddin]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a Dell technician at a call center for computer
problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have on several occasions.

[Alouddin]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning some things here -- got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wyatt_Earp) gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much"
>

[Lady_G]

Ana boshlandi =)

Rindercella is da best! =)

[Alouddin]

:) i love it too :)

[SayFuLLoH]

LoL,nice one:lol:

[Alouddin]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a virulent new strain of sexually transmitted disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and is pronounced "gonna re-elect him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

This destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

[intervanouten]

Just a few jokes from an email


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling
of perfume,
then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.
I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do
for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's
going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a
year".

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of
orange
juice, a
head of lettuce half, a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee
and
a 250g
pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated,” You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the
Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."