haligi
05-07-2001, 01:48 AM
While all the anecdotes posted try to be as short and funny as possible, I felt like sharing some old, long and still ok anecdotes. Main topic is... guess what, sex (or something alike).
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between the words 'potential' and 'realistic' ?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."
One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Kings Cross," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at driver?" "Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"
"The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?". Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?
A man walks into a pharmacy and looks around intensely. The pharmacist approached the man with a large smile and says, "May I help you sir?" "Um...Yes, I would like to buy some condoms," the man says. "Sure. We have three different packs. There is a three pack, a six pack, and a twelve pack. Which would you like?" the pharmacist ask. "Well," the man says, "I am eating dinner with my girlfriend and her parents. I figure if she's having me over to meet the family she may be ready to....well you know what I mean." He chuckles. "Yes sir. I understand completely," the pharmacist says. "I guess I'll take the twelve pack," the man says with a smirk. That night at dinner, he volunteered to say the prayer. He prayed for what seemed to be an eternity. When he finally finished, his girlfriend leaned over and whispered "I didn't know you were so religious." He leaned over and nervously replied "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
" Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his thingy." Janet responded. "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between the words 'potential' and 'realistic' ?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."
One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Kings Cross," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at driver?" "Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"
"The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?". Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?
A man walks into a pharmacy and looks around intensely. The pharmacist approached the man with a large smile and says, "May I help you sir?" "Um...Yes, I would like to buy some condoms," the man says. "Sure. We have three different packs. There is a three pack, a six pack, and a twelve pack. Which would you like?" the pharmacist ask. "Well," the man says, "I am eating dinner with my girlfriend and her parents. I figure if she's having me over to meet the family she may be ready to....well you know what I mean." He chuckles. "Yes sir. I understand completely," the pharmacist says. "I guess I'll take the twelve pack," the man says with a smirk. That night at dinner, he volunteered to say the prayer. He prayed for what seemed to be an eternity. When he finally finished, his girlfriend leaned over and whispered "I didn't know you were so religious." He leaned over and nervously replied "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
" Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his thingy." Janet responded. "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"